While this seems lofty, it's not unattainable. I grew up in an era where I was taught that ones word is ones bond. And ones integrity meant completing that which one had agreed to do.
To simplify, if someone said they are going to do something, they would, because they have integrity. It's a principal that forms part of an ethos that I try very hard to live by: Honesty, Integrity, and Respect.
When I was younger, I failed at many of these things. In hindsight, I was not honest with many people in many different situations. Up to and including hiding who I was as a gay man. Growing up in an ultra conservative country at the time, I found myself having to hide behind a mask, supressing who I was to fit into the 'norm'.
Once I came out, I consciously chose to no longer hide, and no longer be dishonest with myself, nor those around me. It was difficult at first, but now it is far less so.
I have also done my best throughout my life to be respectful of others; being empathetic to their situations and their experiences. Respecting who they are as human beings. Treating others as I would like to be treated, even from an early age. At elementary school, this was noticed and I even was awarded for 'Kindness, Courtesy, and Thoughtfulness towards Others', an award I am exceptionally proud of.
Integrity has formed a strong basis for that, and the three principles are intrinsically linked to one another. Of them, I feel integrity is possibly the cement that holds them together.
The thing about holding oneself to these principles, is that one starts to expect them from others. The sad reality is that they mean something different to everyone, and not everyone holds themselves to them.
This leads to disappointment and often, frustration. When someone says to me they are going to do something, I rely on the faith I have in them that they will follow through. I make my plans, decisions and choices around that commitment. Sometimes, I am pleasantly met with that person fully living up to that expectation.
But there are times where that isn't the case.
Now I don't believe that I am truly 'neurotypical' nor if I am on the spectrum etc, but I have no official diagnosis to confirm either way. But in a scenario where that commitment is not met, I find myself easily spiralling.
"Did I do something wrong?"; "Is there an issue?"; "Did I say something wrong?" And so on.
As time passes, it puts me in a position where I have to awkwardly ask for the help/follow through, sometimes repeatedly. A lack of communication from the other party, or absolutely no communication, sends that spiral into overdrive.
My brain plays tricks on me, and makes me contemplate every worst-case scenario about my own failings to ensure the other party completed in the agreement. I blame myself, and beat myself over the whole thing, to the point where I simply withdraw and don't reach out, for fear of rejection or confrontation for whatever transgression my brain has decided I have committed.
In a digital world, where we communicate most frequently via text and typed word, body language, tone and intention have been left up to a few characters or sometimes emojis. I strongly feel we as a society are worse off for it, as we miss out on the subtle subtext, and our brains replace it with fantasized issues.
We tend to converse and communicate with people around the globe, most of whom we don't see, create their subtext and tone in our minds or based on a few keystrokes.
And I have to remind myself that people get busy. People have their own day to day happenings and issues and life events outside of their commitments to those we converse with online, and see only infrequently (if ever) in person.
As I'm sure I've mentioned in other blog posts before, I don't get 'hints' and I can't read 'subtleties' . I need open, honest and complete communication. Especially where discussion of issues or commitments are concerned.
In all, writing this is a reminder to myself that Honesty, Integrity and Respect are three of the most treasured values I hold dear. And, while I'm not perfect at them, driving for them has already won half the battle for me.
I respect the level of self awareness it takes to lay it out this clearly.
ReplyDeleteIntegrity sounds simple when it is reduced to “do what you say you will do,” but in practice it shapes how people build trust, how they show up for each other, and how safe others feel relying on them. You are not just talking about a value, you are talking about a framework you use to navigate relationships and expectations.
Where this really hits is the gap between how seriously you take those principles and how inconsistently other people do. That disconnect is real. When you build your decisions around someone’s word, and they do not follow through or communicate, it does not just feel like a minor inconvenience. It destabilizes the trust structure you were operating on. That is not you being overly sensitive. That is you reacting to a broken agreement.
The spiral you describe makes sense in that context. When communication drops off, your brain tries to fill in the missing data. It defaults to self analysis because that is the only variable you can directly access. The problem is that absence of communication is not evidence of wrongdoing on your part, even though it feels like it.
You are also right about digital communication making this worse. Stripped tone, missing context, delayed responses, all of that creates ambiguity. And ambiguity is where anxiety thrives. People who rely on clear, direct communication get hit hardest by that gap.
What stands out most is that you are not claiming perfection. You are acknowledging past failures, recognizing patterns in yourself, and still choosing to hold onto honesty, integrity, and respect as guiding principles. That matters more than flawless execution ever could.
At the same time, it is worth protecting yourself from overextending those expectations onto others without confirmation. Not everyone operates with the same definition of integrity, and not everyone understands the weight you place on commitments. That does not make your standard wrong. It just means it is not universal.
You are doing the work. You are aware of your patterns. You are choosing values intentionally instead of passively inheriting them. That is what integrity actually looks like in practice.