Spring?

Well Spring was here. A week ago. For a few days. It was awesome. Now it’s like someone left the freezer door open and its damned cold again. I had turned off the heat and am now stoically refusing to turn it back on, even though I am sitting dressed in more layers than an Eskimo wears on a hunting trip.

Spring is truly one of my favourite times of year though – watching the world come back to life as it were – seeing plants sprouting their blooms and leaves and just painting everything in colour again – because Winter makes everything almost monochromatic – certainly around here.

One of the things that I find myself affected by during spring is the intense desire to suddenly procreate. I want to hump. Mind you – this isn’t too unusual for me, and I think you all know me well enough by now, dear reader, to know that I am pretty much a horn dog for lack of a better term. Of course, the issue, really, is ‘getting it’.

I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I hear “oh, that’s SO far” or “I wish you were closer” or something similar, I would not only be able to live anywhere, but I could also buy a successful airline and gas company and retire in luxury.  I hear it at least 3 times a day. For the record, Canada is NOT right next to Mars or Pluto. I do NOT live on an otherwise deserted island only accessible by sea-plane or row boat. There are airports, train stations and bus terminals all near enough by that if people really wanted to, they could visit. I mean – there are even roads near me.

I guess what it boils down to is just how much effort someone is willing to put in to meeting me. Or – ultimately – how genuine their attentions are to begin with. Of course, there are those who do make the effort – although its starting to be as rare as finding real meat at a fast food chain. And doesn’t always end well – like the “meat” at a fast food chain…..

At the end of the day it only goes to show how hard it is in a small town to find what one is looking for. This often means long distance relationships etc, but what about sex? I’m not necessarily looking for the happily ever after – and again, I know I am jaded by past experience – but it would be nice to have someone to shag or play with or – well – just cuddle and hold at night. I mean sometimes even ones hand is not in the mood anymore.

Just saying….

Rainy days and Sundays

Those of you who know me, know what a bad year i had last year. You also know from reading my previous blog posts on my site that I went through some hugely emotional times, and was badly hurt by someone, repeatedly.

But now i find myself in a precarious position. Similar feelings I had for that person are presenting themselves and I find myself anxious, nervous and scared to allow myself to feel emotional attraction and connection to someone who lives at a distance. I'm scared to let my guard down and open up more, because my head is screaming at me telling me I'm just going to get hurt again.

When i bared my soul last year, I found myself so totally exposed that when i was unceremoniously dumped, I experienced some extreme symptoms, including physical pain. And i kinda had vowed off ever allowing myself to open up to someone else again.

And now I find myself in the position where my heart is opening up to a possibility and my head and heart are in the battle of wills. My heart tells me how it feels, and my head, while fixated on this person, is also telling me to proceed with dire caution. My brain tells me all the things that could possibly go wrong. It warns me of my hurt and pain from last year, tells me how foolish I was to open up and trust someone entirely with my heart, someone who didn't actually care about it at all from the onset.

And the object of my hearts desire right now keeping checking off the items on my 'What I want' list like a shopping excursion to the ultimate department store. Hes funny, and kind, and dedicated and once again the inkling that my dreams of having a leather family are starting to be rekindled. The dreams that only come when you have feelings for someone and you can see yourself building a life with them. Different dreams from the last time this happened - but equally strong and therein lies the rub. That is what I am most afraid of. That my dreams I build up now, and in the coming weeks and months as i get to know this person and he gets to know me, will ultimately be dashed again. Because I don't know that i could mentally or emotionally handle going through that again.

And yet he makes me happy - even from a distance. I guess the difference this time is that my focus is not entirely  on this person - and by that I mean - the goal is different. This time, I see him as being a part of a bigger whole - a family - and perhaps that may be the salvation of my soul and heart which took such a beating last year. This time he is a part of something bigger I can see myself building - it doesn't diminish how much I care for or about him. But it does in some ways protect my heart - or does it? Maybe he is the first piece of the rest of my life? Maybe he is ideal? Maybe he will help me achieve my goals and forget the pain of the past? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten out of bed to early this morning.

New Start

Those of you who have followed my blog on my webpage over the last few years may be wondering why I have chosen to move the bulk of my blog to blogspot. Well the answer is relatively straight forward to be honest. It actually is quicker and easier to maintain this site than it is to host the blog on my webpage. Way less steps involved in writing something here, and way easier to share so people know I have written something.

I do also hope that this will encourage people to comment more and involve themselves in my posts. You may have to set up a blogger account (it is free, and is easy and quick to set up.) but it will be totally worth it!!!!!
Just saying :)

Johnny