Wednesday, 9 May 2018

V-logs?


A few years ago, I ran a successful Youtube channel. I had a few thousand subscribers, and posted videos which were kinda a personal Vlog about what was going on in my life and talking openly about various subjects. I would smoke and talk about things current and overall, and promote my webpage – which – frankly – takes a lot of time and energy to maintain. Videos were in HD and I spent quite some time adding titles and credits to each one when posting, and posted probably once or twice a week. I really enjoyed the interaction from subscribers and getting to vent or just talk about life.

Then someone reported the channel to YouTube as being “Spam” in 24 hours they reported every single one of my 80+ videos individually. It could have been a number of people – probably a gay-hater or something – but definitely some nameless, face-less coward who’s sensitivities were hurt – probably because I was gay. So despite having been on Youtube for about 10 years total, the Youtube ‘authorities’ not only deleted my entire channel, they banned me from Youtube. And not just for a year – “for life”.  Despite numerous pleas and petitions for a review, they refused to provide reasons or any other course of action.

This all occurred about 5 years ago now, and I have made no real efforts to revive any form of Vlog until now. Thanks to a friend who shouted out his channel, I kinda have the bug to do something similar again, but this time so much has changed and I have so much of a different focus. But I do miss it. I miss that interaction and feedback and the medium itself. And I kinda feel like I need to do something – you know?

But what are my options? Youtube is out. Vimeo seems viable, but with limited resources unless I pay for it. Dailymotion is another – but I had never heard of it until I did a google search. So where do I go? What do I do? Definitely open to suggestion here…..

Monday, 8 May 2017

Is this the Year?

This is the year?

So – Its been a while since I blogged – but here goes.

I consider myself kinky and adventurous. However. Perhaps not as adventurous as I would like to be. Let me explain.

I have always had this nagging voice in my head saying “You shouldn’t do that” or “You shouldn’t let this happen because of the possible consequences”. It has stopped me from doing a very large number of things throughout my adult life. It has guided me to a safe place where I am always in control. It is the fear that protects me, as it were.

And therein lies the rub.

As I find myself getting older (and man I wish I weren’t) I find myself seeking more adventure and fun. I have been through hell a few times in my life – and now I am getting to the point where I think I need a bit of heaven, wouldn’t you say? I mean – lets take stock for a moment here.

I moved from South Africa, and gave up everything I knew there. It was the most adventurous thing I had ever done really – well most life-altering, I guess is a better phrase. And in Canada, the move was unkind. My career came to a grinding halt, and work became sporadic and unstable. Relationships were  good, bad and ugly, some even abusive. All the while with financial worries and other factors which held me back.

And then I moved to Calgary. And things seem, for the moment, to have changed. I have a somewhat stable job (for 4 years now) and a boy who adores me, another boy who dotes on me, and a slew of others in my life, most of whom are very positive, uplifting people. So general, or “real” life is comfortable and somewhat stable. But, and there always seems to be one of those, I have a list longer than my arm of things I have yet to try or experience. And THAT is what I want to change.

And I am finding that truly difficult, because that voice in my head (remember, I spoke of this in the beginning) keeps stopping me. “This will hurt someone” or “How will they feel if you say that or do this?” or “What happens if…” – and I cannot seem to quiet that voice. But I am sure as hell going to try. Not because I don’t care about how other people feel (because I still do), or because I have some kind of death-wish (because I don’t) or because I am having a mid-life crisis (that ship has sailed), but more because I need to do stuff. Break routines. Break the status-quo. Experience new sensations, new play, new people and places and things. I need to live.

And to do so, I need to ensure that those people around me support my journey. I need to (and have been) seeking out excellent people who have good morals and ethics, and, as kinky and twisted as they may be, actually have my best interests and safety at heart, so that I don’t have to worry about my safety – It is already taken care of.

SO often, I am approached by guys wanting a quick fuck or a quick play session or a 5 minute tryst in their car, etc. But that little voice stops me every time. And, frankly, THAT is never going to change. I am generally not a “one-night-stand” kinda guy, nor am I an anonymous sex kinda guy. I have never been to a bathhouse. I have never used a gloryhole. I have never had sex in a public washroom, etc. That is just not me.

Rather, I am the kind of guy who builds some form of relationship. I want to get to know you, I want to understand what you are seeking, and I certainly want you to understand the same about me. How can we have safe fun and not know anything about one another? I need to be able to read you. And ensure you are enjoying it as much as I am – pushing your limits and mine in a safe manner.

And the hardest part is, this is not about my generally accepted label of being a Dom. I am not only a Dom. I have never been only a Dom. I like to Dom, and I get great pleasure from it. But I am also a sub and a switch and versatile. And it’s the latter three I need to explore more as. I need to have experiences which allow those aspects of me to grow and develop – it is never a bad thing as a Dom to know what your sub is feeling. And – well – there is only one way to actually do that. Experience it.

Don’t fear, ardent fans, I am not turning into a complete sub who is going to “never Dom again” I am still mostly a Dom. I am, however, going to allow myself (inner voice kicking and screaming) to experience things more openly and, hopefully, more frequently. I have to do this to lessen the amount of “I wish I had…” and “I regret not doing that” that fills me. And hopefully, continue to make excellent friends and mentors and playmates along the way.

And that little voice? Well – right now he is doubting I should post this. I will show him.

Sunday, 10 July 2016

BEARS!

Well today was a new thing - we attended the FAB Stampede Bear BBQ RoundUp, organised by www.Albearta.org - or "FAB".

It was a great afternoon - quiet and relaxed, with food (coz one has to feed the bears at these things), drinks and probably around 50 attendees! I had a great relaxing time, and must say, I hope we have another event here soon!

One thing which was interesting, looking through the list of people attending on the groups Facebook page, I realised to my horror that I didn't know a single person there aside from my pups and 2 others. And looking around those there, I didn't. Maybe i just need to get out more.

Holy crap - 4 years? Really?

I'm a fat lazy bastard apparently. 4 years since i made an entry into this. But I guess living a real life seems to preclude me from doing many of the other things I enjoy.

I had to write something earlier - on one of the other blogs - and it made me start to page through a bunch of previous posts, including the sort of diary I keep on this one. And I realised I have been a lazy bastard.

And that isnt good for me or you. Mind you, I dont know that anyone actually reads half of what I write - but that is ok - its as much about me as it is you. My writing is a release - and lately, I havent been releasing - I have been negligent of myself and been bottling up a bunch of shit - but I aim to change that. I am to start updating blogs and writings more often and take the time to allow myself to let things out of my system.

SO a quick update until it is not 1:30am when this mood comes over me.

In 4 years - wow - where to start...

Start at Moved to Calgary.

Moved to Calgary. Struggled a little to find work at first. We quite quickly moved to a house in a suburb of the city, the pups and I and made it our home. Its is beautiful and has a pleasant enough view. I got a job. Working retail. Part time. I worked hard. Very hard. In 6 months, I was successful in becoming a department supervisor, and 3 years later I'm the department supervisor of the most complicated and second largest department of my store. That sounds glamorous, but trust me - it is not. I am still doing it. While I do not have the passion for this job as I had for theatre work before, I don't hate my job. (Well some days - but we all do that). The biggest draw back is the shift work. Rotations. "Opens", "Closes", "Clo-pens". But it is stable and allows me some spending money.

Earlier this year, a handsome cub moved here and moved in. We're working on our family daily, and working on always being kind to one another, and others, and creating a truly well bonded strong family unit. It takes work and perseverance every day.

Reflectively - I was rotting away in Ontario. I was unemployed, alone, depressed and sad.

Calgary is good, and healthy for me in many ways. I miss some of my friends from "back East", but that is what social media if for, right?

I will be better at posting. Really, I will.

Monday, 5 November 2012

After the dust settles

As the dust settles on my move to Calgary and life is getting to some semblance of normalcy, I find myself reflecting on many things and trying to find ways of moving forward. It’s been a long rough few years for me, but I am now surrounded by those who love me for who I am and not what I am or what I can do for them.
It is sad that one has to sometimes endure the horrendously negative to attain a certain level of peace and maturity. The knowledge and strength of character I feel within myself now would have been invaluable to endure what I went through, but I guess you need to hit rock bottom before you can start to climb back out as a better, stronger person.
Some days I feel very sad for those who previously have shunned me or approached me for their own benefit alone, only to be rejected because they can’t see past the end of their penises. It makes me wonder how one would even begin to change people like that. Is it even possible? Are their lives fulfilling? I used to be like that too. And I used to focus my attentions upon my physical sexual gratification first and foremost. This left me looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places and all the wrong people.
People who provided their attentions while it suited them, but quickly moved on to others when they realized there was more to me than just the sex. I suppose in some ways that may not be a fair assessment, but it is how I feel about and see it. There are those who are fickle enough to run when times get tough, and rapidly blame you for their own faults and character flaws. In one of these relationships he took great pains to ensure I felt less worthy of happiness and affection and did all he could to break down my self esteem and self-worth.
That is something I am working on a little every day, and with the help and love of the pups, I find myself enjoying the comfort of love which transcends the sexual and physicality of relationships, and the sense of family is strong and enduring. Communication is open and honest, and issues are quickly sorted out, worked through, discussed and easily moved on from.
I have whittled away at the masses of people around me in recent months and years, and uncovered and nurtured the pearls… the gems, if you will, who are steadfast and consistent, and whose friendship and attentions are motivated by a true bond, not by a sexual motive. And all of those people are unique and have their own opinions and desires and dreams and sometimes they don’t get along with one another, but in a crisis, I know I could turn to any one of them for help or support - and get it – with no strings attached, and no score to be settled at the end.
This support structure and this close-knit circle is something I have longed for for many years. In the past I had put my faith in similar circles, only to have that faith and trust crushed by the majority, while a very few remained faithful through all the things I have been through. Now, perhaps, I am just better and choosing those whom I put my faith in, or seeing those who are not trust worthy from a distance.
But here is the trick. I’ve also learned that to be confident and secure in those friendships, I cannot close myself off completely. I need to take small risks. I need to take small “steps of faith” as it were, because otherwise identifying those gems is near impossible. I guess now, I am just a little more careful about what – and how much – I  risk to see if they pass the test.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

A Very difficult Post.

This is a blog post Im not sure how to write, to be honest. Some people may be offended that I am writing it, others judgemental, but at this point, it`s more for me than for others, except perhaps one person, about whom this post is written.

As many of you know, last year, I went through a tumultuous time and fell deeply in love with someone, who then broke up with me unexpectedly at a low point in my personal life, and this nearly destroyed me. I was hurt, wounded and definitely emotionally trampled into the ground. His words were harsh, and cruel and cut very deeply. Furthermore, in anger I lashed out at him in a blog post and this, apparently, offended him so deeply he no longer wanted to speak to me at all. This did not help closure for me, and I will be honest that not a day goes by that I don’t have a thought about him.

But now, almost a year after we met, things are very different. I am in a good place personally, and have moved on well, only now he is suffering, and dying from cancer. 

It doesn’t help that he is a world away from me, and I honestly doubt he will even see this post before he passes on. 

I no longer feel anger when I think of him, and have found myself focussing on the good time (albeit brief) that we had together. I am sad that it couldn’t have been more and that he didn’t really give us a chance to know one another better and that was his choice. He is in a relationship with someone who cares deeply for him, probably even more than I did, and now as the disease gnaws at his body, that person is there to support him and care for him, and I can only imagine the terrible pain his partner is feeling.

To him I would say that I am glad we met, and spent time together. And for those who know him now and are friends with him, the pain of losing him will never pass, but we are all richer for having known him. Take from him his positive and leave behind the things which make you sad.

So farewell, and may armies of angels welcome you and take away your pain and suffering. I wish I had known you better, and you me.

So much to catch up on!

SO much has happened since my last blog post – I guess it is time to actually get everyone up to speed.

For those of you who skipped a few entries, I decided to move to Calgary to be with the pups. This happened rather suddenly, and I had the daunting task of having to travel back to Ontario by Greyhound for 3 days and then start the arduous process of sorting and selling and packing my stuff. This was heightened in its intensity by the fact that i only got back to Ontario on July 15th, and had to vacate my apartment by July 31. 

So for the first week home, i sorted stuff and held a yard sale, which was to finance the transportation of the rest of my stuff i wasn’t selling back to Calgary. This was an exceptionally stressful week, deciding what was of value and what wasn’t. Suffice it to say that I hate holding a yard sale, and – if I have the choice – I shall never EVER do so again. I have never come across a cheaper bunch of assholes than yard-salers, haggling over a dollar. It’s enough to make anyone go postal. I was glad when it was over.

The following week was packing in earnest and finally transporting my boxes to the company shipping them across Canada for me. I managed to complete it all by the deadline with some help of some friends, and made my flight back to Calgary on August 1. The flight was awesome – brief, almost turbulence free – and direct. Despite the hour and a half delay in departure, it was great to be back with the pups and back in Calagry, away from the humidity, and, quite frankly, the myriad of bad memories Ontario holds. Seeing Roscoe’s bright blue hair was a shock, but was also truly awesome! He is very proud of it!!



The day after I arrived home was Roscoe’s birthday, and he and Berith had booked an appointment for them each to get a PA done. Beriths went without a hitch, and you can read more about it on his blog here:  http://www.thehydrant.org/  

With Roscoe, however, the piercer was not sure quite what to do. I don’t think she has had to deal with an uncut penis before, and, she said she would prefer not to attempt the piercing, but would rather her boss did it. While it was annoying and frustrating at the time, I have huge respect for her admitting she wasn’t comfortable with the procedure, even though, at the time it truly upset Roscoe. They rescheduled his appointment for the next day, and we went back to the shop to have it done. Different piercer and we were in and out within 20 minutes, one freshly pierced puppy.

Now, some of you may know that I am a bit of a sadist, and I have to confess that watching two puppies occasionally cringing  when they walked or bumped their penises did bring a slight smile to my face. But its actually not all that nice to see those one cares about hurting. 

Friday evening was wonderful! My friend Scott W, whom some of you may recall moved out here a few months back, and his  boyfriend Kota had arranged a “Happy Birthday Berith and Roscoe, and Welcome back Johnny” BBQ with friends and members of the community. It was an awesome affair, with great food and awesome company, and the even flew by entirely too quickly!


Sunday afternoon, and we suddenly were dressing smart casual and headed to Scotts place, final destination unknown. We piled into Scotts' car, Scott and I in front, and Berith, Kota and Roscoe in the back and hit the highway. It soon became apparent that we were headed to Banff, about an hour and a half away from Calgary, in the Canadian Rockies. 




Scott and Kota were treating the three of us to Dinner at a charming restaurant called the Saltlik Steak House, and the meal, and company were, of course, excellent!! Have I ever mentioned in my blog posts how much I love the taste of beef? I really do enjoy a slice of dead cow. And I’m sorry if that is politically incorrect, or offends you in some way – but I was raised eating animals, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. 



After dinner we took a brief excursion around Banff and saw the fantastically beautiful Banff Hotel, as well as a stop at Cascade gardens... which was disappointing as there were no cascades, only all the mosquitoes in Alberta. Still the Gardens were beautiful, without the water.






The drive home was quieter as we were all full and tired, Roscoe with his head out the window, Berith asleep and Kota nodding off comically in the middle while Scott and I focussed on the scenery. It was an awesome and unexpected surprise and truly appreciated and enjoyed.









The rest of the week passed uneventfully, until Very late Wednesday night, when Roscoe started feeling unwell. We thought he had food poisoning. All day Thursday, he was throwing up, and experiencing very bad stomach cramps.  We treated him for food poisoning, but just after midnight, we decided the pain was too bad for food poisoning and it could possibly be appendix, so I drove him to ER.



Roscoe and I spent the night in ER, and everyone who saw him for diagnosis concurred that it was, in fact, appendix. So they scheduled him for Surgery and took him in for it at 5:30am. As he was wheeled away, I left the hospital to come back and pick up Berith to head back to the hospital. I wanted to make sure Roscoe had both of us there when he came out of surgery. We had to wait almost 4 hours before they released him from recovery – they were concerned about his breathing being shallow, and think he may have sleep apnea too.

After a while Berith and I came back to the apartment so I could get some sleep – i didn’t sleep much or long =- perhaps an hour or two at most, before running a bunch of errands and making it back to the hospital to see Roscoe. Scott and Kota were already there, and the four of us escorted Roscoe on a long walk around the hospital, before they left and Berith and I settled Roscoe back in his room, and headed home.

Berith and I met Scott and Kota at the Eagle for a short while. Its kind of sad, the Calgary Eagle is closing its doors on September 2nd, and will not be around for a while. They are battling to find a new location, and, quite frankly, I think they all need a break for a while. Owning and running a bar can be a huge underlying stress, 7 days a week. So after Pride this year, Calgary will not have an Eagle – at least in the short term. (http://www.calgaryeagle.com/)

Managed to sleep quite well last night, despite being alone in the apartment, and am currently preparing to face Saturday, and visit Roscoe. The word from the hospital is that they will now be keeping him until Monday, as, upon closer examination, they found a hole in the appendix, and are afraid of infection. There are other situations going on, but I will be blogging about one in particular in a separate post, as it is more emotional and less `newsy`.   

Feel free to comment or ask questions, as always! Johnny.