As the dust settles on my move to Calgary and life is getting to some semblance of normalcy, I find myself reflecting on many things and trying to find ways of moving forward. It’s been a long rough few years for me, but I am now surrounded by those who love me for who I am and not what I am or what I can do for them.
It is sad that one has to sometimes endure the horrendously negative to attain a certain level of peace and maturity. The knowledge and strength of character I feel within myself now would have been invaluable to endure what I went through, but I guess you need to hit rock bottom before you can start to climb back out as a better, stronger person.
Some days I feel very sad for those who previously have shunned me or approached me for their own benefit alone, only to be rejected because they can’t see past the end of their penises. It makes me wonder how one would even begin to change people like that. Is it even possible? Are their lives fulfilling? I used to be like that too. And I used to focus my attentions upon my physical sexual gratification first and foremost. This left me looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places and all the wrong people.
People who provided their attentions while it suited them, but quickly moved on to others when they realized there was more to me than just the sex. I suppose in some ways that may not be a fair assessment, but it is how I feel about and see it. There are those who are fickle enough to run when times get tough, and rapidly blame you for their own faults and character flaws. In one of these relationships he took great pains to ensure I felt less worthy of happiness and affection and did all he could to break down my self esteem and self-worth.
That is something I am working on a little every day, and with the help and love of the pups, I find myself enjoying the comfort of love which transcends the sexual and physicality of relationships, and the sense of family is strong and enduring. Communication is open and honest, and issues are quickly sorted out, worked through, discussed and easily moved on from.
I have whittled away at the masses of people around me in recent months and years, and uncovered and nurtured the pearls… the gems, if you will, who are steadfast and consistent, and whose friendship and attentions are motivated by a true bond, not by a sexual motive. And all of those people are unique and have their own opinions and desires and dreams and sometimes they don’t get along with one another, but in a crisis, I know I could turn to any one of them for help or support - and get it – with no strings attached, and no score to be settled at the end.
This support structure and this close-knit circle is something I have longed for for many years. In the past I had put my faith in similar circles, only to have that faith and trust crushed by the majority, while a very few remained faithful through all the things I have been through. Now, perhaps, I am just better and choosing those whom I put my faith in, or seeing those who are not trust worthy from a distance.
But here is the trick. I’ve also learned that to be confident and secure in those friendships, I cannot close myself off completely. I need to take small risks. I need to take small “steps of faith” as it were, because otherwise identifying those gems is near impossible. I guess now, I am just a little more careful about what – and how much – I risk to see if they pass the test.