This is the year?
So – Its been a while since I blogged – but here goes.
I consider myself kinky and adventurous. However. Perhaps not as adventurous as I would like to be. Let me explain.
I have always had this nagging voice in my head saying “You shouldn’t do that” or “You shouldn’t let this happen because of the possible consequences”. It has stopped me from doing a very large number of things throughout my adult life. It has guided me to a safe place where I am always in control. It is the fear that protects me, as it were.
And therein lies the rub.
As I find myself getting older (and man I wish I weren’t) I find myself seeking more adventure and fun. I have been through hell a few times in my life – and now I am getting to the point where I think I need a bit of heaven, wouldn’t you say? I mean – lets take stock for a moment here.
I moved from South Africa, and gave up everything I knew there. It was the most adventurous thing I had ever done really – well most life-altering, I guess is a better phrase. And in Canada, the move was unkind. My career came to a grinding halt, and work became sporadic and unstable. Relationships were good, bad and ugly, some even abusive. All the while with financial worries and other factors which held me back.
And then I moved to Calgary. And things seem, for the moment, to have changed. I have a somewhat stable job (for 4 years now) and a boy who adores me, another boy who dotes on me, and a slew of others in my life, most of whom are very positive, uplifting people. So general, or “real” life is comfortable and somewhat stable. But, and there always seems to be one of those, I have a list longer than my arm of things I have yet to try or experience. And THAT is what I want to change.
And I am finding that truly difficult, because that voice in my head (remember, I spoke of this in the beginning) keeps stopping me. “This will hurt someone” or “How will they feel if you say that or do this?” or “What happens if…” – and I cannot seem to quiet that voice. But I am sure as hell going to try. Not because I don’t care about how other people feel (because I still do), or because I have some kind of death-wish (because I don’t) or because I am having a mid-life crisis (that ship has sailed), but more because I need to do stuff. Break routines. Break the status-quo. Experience new sensations, new play, new people and places and things. I need to live.
And to do so, I need to ensure that those people around me support my journey. I need to (and have been) seeking out excellent people who have good morals and ethics, and, as kinky and twisted as they may be, actually have my best interests and safety at heart, so that I don’t have to worry about my safety – It is already taken care of.
SO often, I am approached by guys wanting a quick fuck or a quick play session or a 5 minute tryst in their car, etc. But that little voice stops me every time. And, frankly, THAT is never going to change. I am generally not a “one-night-stand” kinda guy, nor am I an anonymous sex kinda guy. I have never been to a bathhouse. I have never used a gloryhole. I have never had sex in a public washroom, etc. That is just not me.
Rather, I am the kind of guy who builds some form of relationship. I want to get to know you, I want to understand what you are seeking, and I certainly want you to understand the same about me. How can we have safe fun and not know anything about one another? I need to be able to read you. And ensure you are enjoying it as much as I am – pushing your limits and mine in a safe manner.
And the hardest part is, this is not about my generally accepted label of being a Dom. I am not only a Dom. I have never been only a Dom. I like to Dom, and I get great pleasure from it. But I am also a sub and a switch and versatile. And it’s the latter three I need to explore more as. I need to have experiences which allow those aspects of me to grow and develop – it is never a bad thing as a Dom to know what your sub is feeling. And – well – there is only one way to actually do that. Experience it.
Don’t fear, ardent fans, I am not turning into a complete sub who is going to “never Dom again” I am still mostly a Dom. I am, however, going to allow myself (inner voice kicking and screaming) to experience things more openly and, hopefully, more frequently. I have to do this to lessen the amount of “I wish I had…” and “I regret not doing that” that fills me. And hopefully, continue to make excellent friends and mentors and playmates along the way.
And that little voice? Well – right now he is doubting I should post this. I will show him.