This is the year?
So – Its been a while since I blogged – but here goes.
I consider myself kinky and adventurous. However. Perhaps
not as adventurous as I would like to be. Let me explain.
I have always had this nagging voice in my head saying “You shouldn’t
do that” or “You shouldn’t let this happen because of the possible consequences”.
It has stopped me from doing a very large number of things throughout my adult
life. It has guided me to a safe place where I am always in control. It is the
fear that protects me, as it were.
And therein lies the rub.
As I find myself getting older (and man I wish I weren’t) I
find myself seeking more adventure and fun. I have been through hell a few
times in my life – and now I am getting to the point where I think I need a bit
of heaven, wouldn’t you say? I mean – lets take stock for a moment here.
I moved from South Africa, and gave up everything I knew
there. It was the most adventurous thing I had ever done really – well most
life-altering, I guess is a better phrase. And in Canada, the move was unkind.
My career came to a grinding halt, and work became sporadic and unstable.
Relationships were good, bad and ugly, some
even abusive. All the while with financial worries and other factors which held
me back.
And then I moved to Calgary. And things seem, for the
moment, to have changed. I have a somewhat stable job (for 4 years now) and a
boy who adores me, another boy who dotes on me, and a slew of others in my
life, most of whom are very positive, uplifting people. So general, or “real”
life is comfortable and somewhat stable. But, and there always seems to be one
of those, I have a list longer than my arm of things I have yet to try or
experience. And THAT is what I want to change.
And I am finding that truly difficult, because that voice in
my head (remember, I spoke of this in the beginning) keeps stopping me. “This
will hurt someone” or “How will they feel if you say that or do this?” or “What
happens if…” – and I cannot seem to quiet that voice. But I am sure as hell
going to try. Not because I don’t care about how other people feel (because I
still do), or because I have some kind of death-wish (because I don’t) or
because I am having a mid-life crisis (that ship has sailed), but more because
I need to do stuff. Break routines. Break the status-quo. Experience new
sensations, new play, new people and places and things. I need to live.
And to do so, I need to ensure that those people around me
support my journey. I need to (and have been) seeking out excellent people who
have good morals and ethics, and, as kinky and twisted as they may be, actually
have my best interests and safety at heart, so that I don’t have to worry about
my safety – It is already taken care of.
SO often, I am approached by guys wanting a quick fuck or a
quick play session or a 5 minute tryst in their car, etc. But that little voice
stops me every time. And, frankly, THAT is never going to change. I am
generally not a “one-night-stand” kinda guy, nor am I an anonymous sex kinda
guy. I have never been to a bathhouse. I have never used a gloryhole. I have
never had sex in a public washroom, etc. That is just not me.
Rather, I am the kind of guy who builds some form of
relationship. I want to get to know you, I want to understand what you are
seeking, and I certainly want you to understand the same about me. How can we
have safe fun and not know anything about one another? I need to be able to read
you. And ensure you are enjoying it as much as I am – pushing your limits and
mine in a safe manner.
And the hardest part is, this is not about my generally
accepted label of being a Dom. I am not only a Dom. I have never been only a
Dom. I like to Dom, and I get great pleasure from it. But I am also a sub and a
switch and versatile. And it’s the latter three I need to explore more as. I
need to have experiences which allow those aspects of me to grow and develop –
it is never a bad thing as a Dom to know what your sub is feeling. And – well –
there is only one way to actually do that. Experience it.
Don’t fear, ardent fans, I am not turning into a complete
sub who is going to “never Dom again” I am still mostly a Dom. I am, however,
going to allow myself (inner voice kicking and screaming) to experience things
more openly and, hopefully, more frequently. I have to do this to lessen the
amount of “I wish I had…” and “I regret not doing that” that fills me. And
hopefully, continue to make excellent friends and mentors and playmates along
the way.
And that little voice? Well – right now he is doubting I
should post this. I will show him.
