Going down a Rabbit Hole

 

So it's been a week since my sexual escapade with Gavin. And mentally and emotionally it has been one heck of a week. I'm going to try and word this all out for you as best I can, so be patient with me.

For context, I highly recommend you read at very least the last 2 blog posts, if you haven't already, before continuing with this one. 

Now if you're up to speed, let's continue.

First, I will mention that my partner has been unwell this entire week. I won't go into details, but he has been unable to be up and about, and either in bed, in the shower or in bathroom all week. This is something we've gone through before, so it's nothing for y'all to panic about, but it is still serious and stressful, and I'm pleased to report that as I write this, he is much recovered, except for some residual symptoms.

His illness, however, has meant that I have been left somewhat alone and unsupervised. This is never a good thing. 

When one is alone without interaction for an extended period of time, your biggest enemy is your own brain. Especially as an overthinker. And that's where the wheels fell off a little this week.

Sunday's fun was a headspace vibe, as well as a physical one. As mentioned in other posts, submission in the form of protocol and such doesn't come easy to me, and yet this experience felt really good. 

And once back home and left alone to think, ones mind plays tricks. Was I good enough? Did he (Gavin) really enjoy it? Was I submissive enough? Was I too shy? Why did I say XYZ? Why didn't I say ABC?  Will we play again? Is he going to ghost me? Should I text? Should I not text?

I waited a few hours and then texted to say thank you. But what I really wanted was just to go back to that feeling of euphoria. And, while my throat and ass were tender, even they desired more. We chatted briefly on and off during the course of the evening, and I did find myself remaining easily in a submissive headspace with him.

Monday found me truly in my head. I found myself emotional, with tears close to the surface at times. I still felt submissive. But I was also feeling somewhat unworthy of the attention, and, frankly, a bit lost. Physically, I was craving more, while my orifices were tender from their experience. Emotionally, I was craving that sense of security and comfort, and of someone else being in control.

Gavin listened to what I was trying to express and validated those feelings, as well as reassured my insecurities (with a small admonishment: "get out of your head, boy"). But he also enquired after my partners health and opened the discussion about that, as well as our previous discussion about men's mental health.

Inside my head a constant stream of random thoughts and desires has been shaken up and we're rattling around. Fantasies of what I dream of happening and experiencing, even if they aren't realistic or practical. Most of them in a sub situation, with the 'right' Dom.  

I wanted to have more submission. Gavin seemed the focus, as I believe there is a connection there and certainly now, trust. And so I want him to push the envelope. Go to the boundaries. Explore with me and push me. Take my fetish interest, add his and 'go wild'.

And the voices of insecurity and reason saying "don't be daft! That's dangerous! Don't do it. Don't give in to those desires, you'll get hurt". And the worst, "no-one is going to want to do that with you"

The rollercoaster is real. The voices often loud, sometimes just whispers of doubt or insecurity. They whittle away at the resolve or the good, and can be devastating.  

I think that's why submission is easy often. Because when the right Dom is there, with the right words and attitude and encouragement, those 'bad' voices are silenced. A good dominant makes you feel that you are enough, you are worthy, and you belong.

Now I know there people reading this whose image of me in their minds are probably destroyed and sitting in tatters. I'm not going to apologize. But if it helps, I will say this, with great openness:

I am a Dominant. And a Submissive. I am Top and Bottom. I am a Daddy, Sir, Dad, brother, partner, boy and pig. And I have always been and will always be all or some of those things. And exiting each of those helps the other parts to grow and develop and flourish too.

I am a good Dom because I strive to be a good submissive, and I understand the headspace. And there are many more roles I intend to explore, even as I get older. Because they draw me in. And the relationships and people who allow me to experience those roles and indulge me in my journey are all important. 

In the past, I've run into some terrible doms. I've had some horrible experiences which left me emotionally (and in a few instances physically) scarred. But I learned from them. And I know not to do those things to a sub because I *know* how it feels. I have also had the absolute privilege to sub for some amazing doms, and some for some amazing subs. And they've taught me to enjoy the journey, and get the greatest pleasure from their experiences with me.

I hope that I continue to be allowed to have new experiences with people. As previously discussed, trust for me is hard. And as something of a demisexual, I find it even harder to find those to whom I can submit to experience those things. But that doesn't mean I don't desire them and wish to experience them. 

What is important to ensure my own peace of mind, is that I communicate openly with those with whom I would engage in sexual activity. That applies to everyone in every role. And being direct is not easy, but I have also learned that I do not to hints. I absolutely am dumb as a plank if someone is flirting with me. Completely clueless. Just come out and say it, already. Because I don't pick up on signals or slight nuanced hints. And so come as you are, but come with honesty, integrity, respect and most of all, clear, open communication.

Right, this post has rambled on a lot, rather like my brain has been all week. So I will leave this post here. But please engage. Please comment. Please ASK. Because in asking, you are doing so not just for you, but for others who may not be able to do so, and the answers could be something they need to hear too.

Catharsis and submission

In the last two weeks, I have finally had the good fortune to connect in person with someone I have known online for probably the better part of 20 years. But through whatever insecurities on my part, never approached or had any interactions with. My own mental struggles preventing me from reaching out etc over the years, and then a distance thing.

So when he finally messaged me and suggested meeting up for a meal, I was both flattered and, frankly, quite anxious.  I'm not going to go into all the reasons why my self confidence or courage has been decimated, that's a different post for a different time.

My partner and I agreed to meet with him in person for lunch. And he graciously picked us up, and we spent a few hours over good food having open and candid conversations about life and desires and so on. There was, and is, clearly a mutual attraction from all sides. 

After the lunch, my partner and I discussed at length our current mental states. We are so fortunate that not only are we so very often on the same page, but we also are so incredibly supportive of one another's headspace, be they good, bad or complicated. We meet one another where we are each at.

Under our current circumstances, he is simply not feeling sexual. That's not a fault of anyone, but more where we are currently at. I find myself in somewhat of an awakening - something which has been dormant in me for ages is attempting a very clumsy resurrection. 

This handsome man, whom we shall call Gavin for clarity, showed a distinct interests in both of us - together and separately. Because of who I am, I with trepidation agreed to meet for a sexual encounter with Gavin the following Sunday.

Because of where my head and desires are at, I find myself feeling somewhat submissive. And my sexual desires are more on the bottom spectrum than versatile or dominant currently. 

Now it must be distinctly understood that I don't submit easily. I definitely have trust issues, having had some severely bad experiences before. Those sorts of things leave one scared to relinquish control and scared to attempt anything new. 

And because of that, the last time I submitted and bottomed for anyone (partner excluded) was around 2007/2008. That's an inordinately long time ago by anyone's standards. I have my annual renewed virgin card for a decade already. And the small 10 plaque too. 

But Gavin felt safe. And he was kind, understanding, and gentle in his approach. With enough teasing and enough coaxing to elicit excitmetfor the meet up. Socially, we met up with him and his Husband the evening before at a local leather event, and that helped me through some of the anxiety of new people and places that plague me.

The next day, he picked me up and we drove to his place, about 30-ish minutes from where we are currently staying. I admit, I was shaking, although I don't think he noticed. Our conversation en route was in depth. Speaking of men's mental health: mine, my partners, and his. How generations older than ours and younger than ours perceived mental health, and dealt with it - effectively or not. 

It was a great discussion, and I found myself relaxing around this man, allowing myself to sink a bit deeper into the sub headspace, despite my trepidation and nerves. The perception of danger was easily dismissed, and he put me at ease.

The next few hours of play were something I haven't experienced for so long, I was concerned for my prowess. Having said that, Gavin assured me that both my orifices were more than pleasing, and my efforts were very well received.

There is something truly cathartic about having someone inside of you. Especially after such a very long absence. My emotions did indeed boil over at one point, but he kept me grounded, safe and secure. I shan't bore you with the sexual details, there's video for that on my fans Pages, but I will say that, to use the vernacular, I was pounded on both ends.

After care was lazy cuddles and strong arms wrapped around me as my mind swam with a plethora of emotions and desires and sensations. It was a period of immense comfort, pleasure and...a sense of belonging. Of being of satisfying service. Of... Giving of oneself, and feeling proud of it.

These are not new feelings for me. But they are new again.  Familiar, yet so distant. And I confess triggered floods of conflicting emotions and thoughts which have been rattling around in my head the whole week since, some of which I will address in the next post.

All too soon, the meeting was at an end, and while I would have hated to impose, I also felt that semi-dreamy desire to never leave that bed, that moment. While not awkward, the drive home was more silent than the drive there had been. It wasn't for lack of great company or conversation, it was more words weren't formulating well enough to pass my lips. He dropped me off and it was done.

This is usually where most gay men seem to vanish into the ether. The horrendous habit of men to ghost you as if you had been a stranger in some back alley. I am very pleased to report that this is not one of those instances. 

Gavin and I have chatted since, a great deal, and not enough. And some of those discussions also will be addressed in my next post.

But, dear reader, let me assure you, my body still feels that session. And it desires more. 

A quick catch up...

There's a lot of things to talk about. And catch everyone up on, but there time for that. I want to restart this blog properly with what's going on now. 

First a tiny bit of context.

If you know me and follow me or have for any length of time, you will know that I tend to be rather Dom presenting. And I'd consider myself in some aspects definitely a Dom. Or Daddy or Bear. But I am also versatile. And I certainly enjoy sex in almost all aspects.  

In recent years (since the previous blog post in 2019l I was a branch manager and took on responsibility for a huge branch with staff and millions of dollars in products and clients. It was stressful and, frankly, exhausting. I wouldn't have made it through without the strong and stable support of my partner who has put up with me for 10 years now. (Poor guy).

While we lived in Calgary, we had some opportunities to play, and had a huge amount of fun doing so. Some play was experimental, and some relatively 'standard', but almost always some form of kink.

While our relationship has always been open, we literally have played with 2 others together in those 10 years. And both were fun experiences, albeit short lived one offs, where generally, I took the complete dominant role.

Now again, if you've been paying attention to our lives, you will know that at the beginning of 2024, we sold up everything and moved to property in Northern Ontario. Far from the city, far from the scene, and certainly far from any sort of majorly kinky or sexually active community.

Each winter brings its challenges as we are building our homestead, and this last one has been no different. And we certainly aren't there to be on the next season of "How to survive winters in Canada", we left our comfort zone of a peaceful forest and came to Toronto for the duration of winter. We've been here since the beginning of December.

Now being in the city and away from stresses of living off grid, your think we'd be having more sex than ever, however, we are actually staying with family. This makes it somewhat awkward and allows very little privacy.  I mean in 3 months I've masturbated as many times. Let that sink in.....

Sharing a space with 3 other humans and the two of us and Remy, our dog, is a challenge to say the least. Juggling schedules, making sure if we go out someone is here for Remy's needs etc and trying to take care of our mental, physical and emotional health is a juggling act.

Add to that the knowledge of responsibilities on our homestead, which we couldn't even access right now due to snow, and all the planning that surrounds that. It's been a lot. 

So there is some context for the next addition to this blog, following soon, but deserves its own entry. You won't want to miss it.

I have been remiss...

I have been remiss in writing. The date on the last entry in this blog says 2019. Surely that has to be wrong.

And yet it isn't. 

Almost 7 years have passed since, and I find myself needing a space where I can put thoughts down that I cannot in view of family, friends or...'muggles' as the heterosexual community was nicknamed by a friend recently.

I have much to say. And much to share and... Most importantly, much to teach. 

Soon there shall be another blog post here, and another, and more from there and there is a reason for this sudden drive to share again.

I met a person I have known of online for decades barely two weeks ago. And we had a discussion. And that discussion inspired him to write a blog post. And in reading his post about our conversation and discussion, I realise I need to start a fresh doing the same again.

And so here we are.  

And thank you, you know who you are. 

Dear Voters

Dear Voters

Let’s talk.

If you are voting for a political party because you always have, and so have your ancestors, you are not voting for the rights of everyone. Political parties are NOT sports teams, they are there to govern EVERYONE, not just you. Look at ALL the party’s policies – do some actual research and use actual FACTS (not just those presented by the media machine or your political party’s campaign in attempts to “smear” other candidates).

If you are NOT voting for a certain political party because they did something horrid in the 1960s, or any time period for that matter, grow up. Get over it. The people running the party probably are not the same people who were in power back then. And political parties, policies and beliefs change with the times. Do your research. Find actual FACTS and policies that are currently in place and, and make an INFORMED decision based on current information, not historical atrocities.

If you are voting for a specific person and that persons’ party because you “don’t like” the other guy, or you don’t like how he or she dresses, or the colour of his or her skin, or her or his religious beliefs, take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself why.

If you are voting for someone based on his or her ability to dig up inconsequential dirt on other party candidates, meanwhile ignoring or justifying the dirt on your candidate, ask yourself why you are voting for anyone. Leadership of our amazing country is not a trophy.

If your friends and family express their concern over issues in the political arena right now, step back and ask them why, and then ask yourself why you are reacting to their concerns the way you are. Some groups are very worried about what the policies of some of our political parties are. Many of those concerns are things which you have never experienced and therefore cannot fully grasp or comprehend their legitimate fears, but at very least make an effort to understand them. Vote accordingly.

If you are voting for one party because you believe that “things are always better when X party is in charge” – do some fact checking. And ask yourself. Am I voting for this party because I only believe this? What other horrid things are hidden when we blindly focus only on a handful of the actual issues facing us?

In short, vote with open eyes. Change your sources of information frequently, so you can see the whole picture. The popular media all have their biases, but dig past the OPINIONS and look at the FACTS. Ensure that they can be substantiated by multiple sources. If they can, then you have the truth. If they can’t – look at the agenda lurking behind the opinion.

But for crying out loud, please vote wisely.

V-logs?

A few years ago, I ran a successful Youtube channel. I had a few thousand subscribers, and posted videos which were kinda a personal Vlog about what was going on in my life and talking openly about various subjects. I would smoke and talk about things current and overall, and promote my webpage – which – frankly – takes a lot of time and energy to maintain. Videos were in HD and I spent quite some time adding titles and credits to each one when posting, and posted probably once or twice a week. I really enjoyed the interaction from subscribers and getting to vent or just talk about life.

Then someone reported the channel to YouTube as being “Spam” in 24 hours they reported every single one of my 80+ videos individually. It could have been a number of people – probably a gay-hater or something – but definitely some nameless, face-less coward who’s sensitivities were hurt – probably because I was gay. So despite having been on Youtube for about 10 years total, the Youtube ‘authorities’ not only deleted my entire channel, they banned me from Youtube. And not just for a year – “for life”.  Despite numerous pleas and petitions for a review, they refused to provide reasons or any other course of action.

This all occurred about 5 years ago now, and I have made no real efforts to revive any form of Vlog until now. Thanks to a friend who shouted out his channel, I kinda have the bug to do something similar again, but this time so much has changed and I have so much of a different focus. But I do miss it. I miss that interaction and feedback and the medium itself. And I kinda feel like I need to do something – you know?

But what are my options? Youtube is out. Vimeo seems viable, but with limited resources unless I pay for it. Dailymotion is another – but I had never heard of it until I did a google search. So where do I go? What do I do? Definitely open to suggestion here…..

Is this the Year?

This is the year?

So – Its been a while since I blogged – but here goes.

I consider myself kinky and adventurous. However. Perhaps not as adventurous as I would like to be. Let me explain.

I have always had this nagging voice in my head saying “You shouldn’t do that” or “You shouldn’t let this happen because of the possible consequences”. It has stopped me from doing a very large number of things throughout my adult life. It has guided me to a safe place where I am always in control. It is the fear that protects me, as it were.

And therein lies the rub.

As I find myself getting older (and man I wish I weren’t) I find myself seeking more adventure and fun. I have been through hell a few times in my life – and now I am getting to the point where I think I need a bit of heaven, wouldn’t you say? I mean – lets take stock for a moment here.

I moved from South Africa, and gave up everything I knew there. It was the most adventurous thing I had ever done really – well most life-altering, I guess is a better phrase. And in Canada, the move was unkind. My career came to a grinding halt, and work became sporadic and unstable. Relationships were  good, bad and ugly, some even abusive. All the while with financial worries and other factors which held me back.

And then I moved to Calgary. And things seem, for the moment, to have changed. I have a somewhat stable job (for 4 years now) and a boy who adores me, another boy who dotes on me, and a slew of others in my life, most of whom are very positive, uplifting people. So general, or “real” life is comfortable and somewhat stable. But, and there always seems to be one of those, I have a list longer than my arm of things I have yet to try or experience. And THAT is what I want to change.

And I am finding that truly difficult, because that voice in my head (remember, I spoke of this in the beginning) keeps stopping me. “This will hurt someone” or “How will they feel if you say that or do this?” or “What happens if…” – and I cannot seem to quiet that voice. But I am sure as hell going to try. Not because I don’t care about how other people feel (because I still do), or because I have some kind of death-wish (because I don’t) or because I am having a mid-life crisis (that ship has sailed), but more because I need to do stuff. Break routines. Break the status-quo. Experience new sensations, new play, new people and places and things. I need to live.

And to do so, I need to ensure that those people around me support my journey. I need to (and have been) seeking out excellent people who have good morals and ethics, and, as kinky and twisted as they may be, actually have my best interests and safety at heart, so that I don’t have to worry about my safety – It is already taken care of.

SO often, I am approached by guys wanting a quick fuck or a quick play session or a 5 minute tryst in their car, etc. But that little voice stops me every time. And, frankly, THAT is never going to change. I am generally not a “one-night-stand” kinda guy, nor am I an anonymous sex kinda guy. I have never been to a bathhouse. I have never used a gloryhole. I have never had sex in a public washroom, etc. That is just not me.

Rather, I am the kind of guy who builds some form of relationship. I want to get to know you, I want to understand what you are seeking, and I certainly want you to understand the same about me. How can we have safe fun and not know anything about one another? I need to be able to read you. And ensure you are enjoying it as much as I am – pushing your limits and mine in a safe manner.

And the hardest part is, this is not about my generally accepted label of being a Dom. I am not only a Dom. I have never been only a Dom. I like to Dom, and I get great pleasure from it. But I am also a sub and a switch and versatile. And it’s the latter three I need to explore more as. I need to have experiences which allow those aspects of me to grow and develop – it is never a bad thing as a Dom to know what your sub is feeling. And – well – there is only one way to actually do that. Experience it.

Don’t fear, ardent fans, I am not turning into a complete sub who is going to “never Dom again” I am still mostly a Dom. I am, however, going to allow myself (inner voice kicking and screaming) to experience things more openly and, hopefully, more frequently. I have to do this to lessen the amount of “I wish I had…” and “I regret not doing that” that fills me. And hopefully, continue to make excellent friends and mentors and playmates along the way.

And that little voice? Well – right now he is doubting I should post this. I will show him.