After the dust settles

As the dust settles on my move to Calgary and life is getting to some semblance of normalcy, I find myself reflecting on many things and trying to find ways of moving forward. It’s been a long rough few years for me, but I am now surrounded by those who love me for who I am and not what I am or what I can do for them.

It is sad that one has to sometimes endure the horrendously negative to attain a certain level of peace and maturity. The knowledge and strength of character I feel within myself now would have been invaluable to endure what I went through, but I guess you need to hit rock bottom before you can start to climb back out as a better, stronger person.

Some days I feel very sad for those who previously have shunned me or approached me for their own benefit alone, only to be rejected because they can’t see past the end of their penises. It makes me wonder how one would even begin to change people like that. Is it even possible? Are their lives fulfilling? I used to be like that too. And I used to focus my attentions upon my physical sexual gratification first and foremost. This left me looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places and all the wrong people.

People who provided their attentions while it suited them, but quickly moved on to others when they realized there was more to me than just the sex. I suppose in some ways that may not be a fair assessment, but it is how I feel about and see it. There are those who are fickle enough to run when times get tough, and rapidly blame you for their own faults and character flaws. In one of these relationships he took great pains to ensure I felt less worthy of happiness and affection and did all he could to break down my self esteem and self-worth.

That is something I am working on a little every day, and with the help and love of the pups, I find myself enjoying the comfort of love which transcends the sexual and physicality of relationships, and the sense of family is strong and enduring. Communication is open and honest, and issues are quickly sorted out, worked through, discussed and easily moved on from.

I have whittled away at the masses of people around me in recent months and years, and uncovered and nurtured the pearls… the gems, if you will, who are steadfast and consistent, and whose friendship and attentions are motivated by a true bond, not by a sexual motive. And all of those people are unique and have their own opinions and desires and dreams and sometimes they don’t get along with one another, but in a crisis, I know I could turn to any one of them for help or support - and get it – with no strings attached, and no score to be settled at the end.

This support structure and this close-knit circle is something I have longed for for many years. In the past I had put my faith in similar circles, only to have that faith and trust crushed by the majority, while a very few remained faithful through all the things I have been through. Now, perhaps, I am just better and choosing those whom I put my faith in, or seeing those who are not trust worthy from a distance.

But here is the trick. I’ve also learned that to be confident and secure in those friendships, I cannot close myself off completely. I need to take small risks. I need to take small “steps of faith” as it were, because otherwise identifying those gems is near impossible. I guess now, I am just a little more careful about what – and how much – I  risk to see if they pass the test.

A Very difficult Post.

This is a blog post Im not sure how to write, to be honest. Some people may be offended that I am writing it, others judgemental, but at this point, it`s more for me than for others, except perhaps one person, about whom this post is written.

As many of you know, last year, I went through a tumultuous time and fell deeply in love with someone, who then broke up with me unexpectedly at a low point in my personal life, and this nearly destroyed me. I was hurt, wounded and definitely emotionally trampled into the ground. His words were harsh, and cruel and cut very deeply. Furthermore, in anger I lashed out at him in a blog post and this, apparently, offended him so deeply he no longer wanted to speak to me at all. This did not help closure for me, and I will be honest that not a day goes by that I don’t have a thought about him.

But now, almost a year after we met, things are very different. I am in a good place personally, and have moved on well, only now he is suffering, and dying from cancer. 

It doesn’t help that he is a world away from me, and I honestly doubt he will even see this post before he passes on. 

I no longer feel anger when I think of him, and have found myself focussing on the good time (albeit brief) that we had together. I am sad that it couldn’t have been more and that he didn’t really give us a chance to know one another better and that was his choice. He is in a relationship with someone who cares deeply for him, probably even more than I did, and now as the disease gnaws at his body, that person is there to support him and care for him, and I can only imagine the terrible pain his partner is feeling.

To him I would say that I am glad we met, and spent time together. And for those who know him now and are friends with him, the pain of losing him will never pass, but we are all richer for having known him. Take from him his positive and leave behind the things which make you sad.

So farewell, and may armies of angels welcome you and take away your pain and suffering. I wish I had known you better, and you me.

So much to catch up on!

SO much has happened since my last blog post – I guess it is time to actually get everyone up to speed.

For those of you who skipped a few entries, I decided to move to Calgary to be with the pups. This happened rather suddenly, and I had the daunting task of having to travel back to Ontario by Greyhound for 3 days and then start the arduous process of sorting and selling and packing my stuff. This was heightened in its intensity by the fact that i only got back to Ontario on July 15^th, and had to vacate my apartment by July 31. 

So for the first week home, i sorted stuff and held a yard sale, which was to finance the transportation of the rest of my stuff i wasn’t selling back to Calgary. This was an exceptionally stressful week, deciding what was of value and what wasn’t. Suffice it to say that I hate holding a yard sale, and – if I have the choice – I shall never EVER do so again. I have never come across a cheaper bunch of assholes than yard-salers, haggling over a dollar. It’s enough to make anyone go postal. I was glad when it was over.

The following week was packing in earnest and finally transporting my boxes to the company shipping them across Canada for me. I managed to complete it all by the deadline with some help of some friends, and made my flight back to Calgary on August 1. The flight was awesome – brief, almost turbulence free – and direct. Despite the hour and a half delay in departure, it was great to be back with the pups and back in Calagry, away from the humidity, and, quite frankly, the myriad of bad memories Ontario holds. Seeing Roscoe’s bright blue hair was a shock, but was also truly awesome! He is very proud of it!!

The day after I arrived home was Roscoe’s birthday, and he and Berith had booked an appointment for them each to get a PA done. Beriths went without a hitch, and you can read more about it on his blog here:  http://www.thehydrant.org/  

With Roscoe, however, the piercer was not sure quite what to do. I don’t think she has had to deal with an uncut penis before, and, she said she would prefer not to attempt the piercing, but would rather her boss did it. While it was annoying and frustrating at the time, I have huge respect for her admitting she wasn’t comfortable with the procedure, even though, at the time it truly upset Roscoe. They rescheduled his appointment for the next day, and we went back to the shop to have it done. Different piercer and we were in and out within 20 minutes, one freshly pierced puppy.

Now, some of you may know that I am a bit of a sadist, and I have to confess that watching two puppies occasionally cringing  when they walked or bumped their penises did bring a slight smile to my face. But its actually not all that nice to see those one cares about hurting. 

Friday evening was wonderful! My friend Scott W, whom some of you may recall moved out here a few months back, and his  boyfriend Kota had arranged a “Happy Birthday Berith and Roscoe, and Welcome back Johnny” BBQ with friends and members of the community. It was an awesome affair, with great food and awesome company, and the even flew by entirely too quickly!

Sunday afternoon, and we suddenly were dressing smart casual and headed to Scotts place, final destination unknown. We piled into Scotts' car, Scott and I in front, and Berith, Kota and Roscoe in the back and hit the highway. It soon became apparent that we were headed to Banff, about an hour and a half away from Calgary, in the Canadian Rockies. 

Scott and Kota were treating the three of us to Dinner at a charming restaurant called the Saltlik Steak House, and the meal, and company were, of course, excellent!! Have I ever mentioned in my blog posts how much I love the taste of beef? I really do enjoy a slice of dead cow. And I’m sorry if that is politically incorrect, or offends you in some way – but I was raised eating animals, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. 

After dinner we took a brief excursion around Banff and saw the fantastically beautiful Banff Hotel, as well as a stop at Cascade gardens... which was disappointing as there were no cascades, only all the mosquitoes in Alberta. Still the Gardens were beautiful, without the water.

The drive home was quieter as we were all full and tired, Roscoe with his head out the window, Berith asleep and Kota nodding off comically in the middle while Scott and I focussed on the scenery. It was an awesome and unexpected surprise and truly appreciated and enjoyed.

The rest of the week passed uneventfully, until Very late Wednesday night, when Roscoe started feeling unwell. We thought he had food poisoning. All day Thursday, he was throwing up, and experiencing very bad stomach cramps.  We treated him for food poisoning, but just after midnight, we decided the pain was too bad for food poisoning and it could possibly be appendix, so I drove him to ER.

Roscoe and I spent the night in ER, and everyone who saw him for diagnosis concurred that it was, in fact, appendix. So they scheduled him for Surgery and took him in for it at 5:30am. As he was wheeled away, I left the hospital to come back and pick up Berith to head back to the hospital. I wanted to make sure Roscoe had both of us there when he came out of surgery. We had to wait almost 4 hours before they released him from recovery – they were concerned about his breathing being shallow, and think he may have sleep apnea too.

After a while Berith and I came back to the apartment so I could get some sleep – i didn’t sleep much or long =- perhaps an hour or two at most, before running a bunch of errands and making it back to the hospital to see Roscoe. Scott and Kota were already there, and the four of us escorted Roscoe on a long walk around the hospital, before they left and Berith and I settled Roscoe back in his room, and headed home.

Berith and I met Scott and Kota at the Eagle for a short while. Its kind of sad, the Calgary Eagle is closing its doors on September 2^nd, and will not be around for a while. They are battling to find a new location, and, quite frankly, I think they all need a break for a while. Owning and running a bar can be a huge underlying stress, 7 days a week. So after Pride this year, Calgary will not have an Eagle – at least in the short term. (http://www.calgaryeagle.com/)

Managed to sleep quite well last night, despite being alone in the apartment, and am currently preparing to face Saturday, and visit Roscoe. The word from the hospital is that they will now be keeping him until Monday, as, upon closer examination, they found a hole in the appendix, and are afraid of infection. There are other situations going on, but I will be blogging about one in particular in a separate post, as it is more emotional and less `newsy`.   

Feel free to comment or ask questions, as always! Johnny.

Roadtrip 2012: Decisions, Decisions.

So I kind of stopped making daily notes on occurrences, predominantly because every day was similar, spent mainly job hunting and sending out resumes, with visits to the Eagle on weekends, and fun with the pups. I don’t think that's a bad thing – I think that just focusing my attentions on the reality of being here has been hugely enjoyable, and not wishing to spend too much time online has been a good thing.

But there has come a point where I have had to make a decision. 

I am very happy here – and, as many of you know, I have been far less than happy in Ontario for quite some time, experiences notwithstanding. Since arriving here, my stress level is down, I feel better over-all, physically, mentally and certainly emotionally. And I truly believe that finding work here is going to be a lot easier than in Ontario.

And so I had to make a decision before July 1^st as to what I wanted to do. Did I want to return to Ontario and sit in the same depression situation indefinitely, waiting for a job offer from a company in Calgary, which would be unlikely to want to hire someone who would have to relocate from a different province. Or simply bite the bullet, sell up and move out here. 

I have chosen the latter alternative. This wasn’t an easy decision, let me assure you. There are a lot of other personal things which would keep me in Ontario, but my heart is in Calgary now. The decision to move here has actually lifted a huge fear of being stuck in the same situation again indefinitely off of me, and now the pressure will be on me when I return to get myself organised to move in a short space of time. 

But I know it will be worth the effort, and I am truly looking forward to this move. Yes, its daunting, but at the same time, I feel like I will be moving home. I will confess I have become very attached to the puppies, and them to me, and the thought that I have to actually leave them for a few weeks is truly upsetting.

Some of the other benefits of moving here include the fact that I will actually be able to arrange officially the Birthday Party I wanted for my birthday last year in late September – to which everyone is invited, of course, with details to follow soon.

So that’s where I am at. A week from today I will be back on the transportation device of horror, commonly called the Greyhound, headed back to Ontario to get things re-arranged in my life. I will update the blog as much as needed during this week, and keep you all posted on the packing and moving process too!

Important Break from Roadtrip Posts

I have now officially been on vacation for a few weeks, and trying to find a balance is proving somewhat difficult. Most of the people I know or who know me are kind of used to me being online a heck of a lot, as back in Ontario I had nothing to do and no one to interact with. 

Right now, I’m on the other side of the country, and no longer tied to my computer chair to keep me company or be my social life. This is not to diminish the many wonderful relationships I have with people online, but it would seem that some people feel slighted by my absence online.

Please understand that it is not, has not, and will never be my intention to neglect those people whom I chat with, Many of whom I care a lot about. I am trying my best to stay in touch with everyone, but at the same time trying to limit my time on the computer and spend more time actually getting to know the pups and build a family life for the 3 of us.

This doesn’t mean I care any less for those of you who care about me, it simply means that after years of not having much of a life with people around me, I am trying to figure out a balance, and I’m getting there – so please be patient and understanding, knowing that while I am not online 24/7 as I used to be, you are not forgotten, and I care about each and every one of you!!!

Roadtrip 2012: days 15 to 21

Day 15 (Monday)

Up early and out the door, headed for greyhound. This has started to become a moment of dread for me. Honestly getting onto a greyhound for travel is quite daunting and, with my back still not feeling recovered from the initial trip out here, it’s truly not something I am relishing.

However, this was relatively quickly forgotten when I started seeing the Rocky Mountains looming ahead. They truly are spectacular. Now Mountains are not new to me. Coming from South Africa, I am familiar with a few mountain ranges, and I was reminded of 2 in particular while driving through the Rockies: The Drakensberg and the Swartberg mountains. The Rockies are a combination of the two ranges, the stony, layered rock of the Swartberg, and the lush greenery of the Drakensberg, with the addition of thousands and thousands of trees. It was difficult to take pics from inside the bus, but I tried a few – so here is a sampling of them. Some were taken on the few rest stops

The greyhound to Vancouver from Calgary takes about 14 hours. It’s a LONG, tiring trip, and it was great to get back to solid, unmoving ground again when we finally pulled into Vancouver. Chris picked me up and we drove to his place in Richmond, which is, interestingly, below sea level. Chris’ apartment is on the 2^nd floor, and is a well laid out and nicely designed complex – most of which is still being built.

It was truly nice to get into bed and be horizontal after the bus ride – which, at times was a little hair-raising, the mountain passes are pretty high in some places.

Day 16 (Tuesday)

Chris got up for work and I got up, but had decided to stay in for the day. It was quiet and uneventful, I stepped out for a smoke a few times (its a no-smoking building) and Chris and I had Pizza at Pizza Hut for dinner – Their BBQ Chicken pizza is really nice!!! I also got the opportunity to smoke some cherry tobacco out of Chris’ awesome Boswell grizzly, and Chris snapped a few pics. We watched a movie before heading to bed.

Day 17 (Wednesday)

I woke up and Chris and I headed into Vancouver for the day - him to work and me to walk around a bit and check things out. The city is bustling and tall. Apparently, as there is no more free space, they tear down buildings and replace them with taller and taller ones, as the only space available is up. There are some very austere looking buildings throughout the city, and I would have gotten more pictures, but it was raining on and off all morning. 

The gay Village in Vancouver was a bit of a disappointment for me. Tons of coffee shops if you want coffee. Heck – I swear the only thing people do there is drink coffee. But unlike the village in Toronto, I found this one lacking in the small independent, interesting shops to browse in. Besides the fact that they all only open at 10am and I had 2 hours to kill before that happened.

I hung around, and browsed some of the stores until almost lunch time which was when Chris was finishing work for the day. We then hopped in his car and went for lunch before heading to Stanley Park. If you ever make it to Vancouver – do yourself a favour – take a day or so to explore this park. We didn’t spend too much time there, but just a slow drive through showed the incredible beauty of this park. You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Park

We stopped to take a few pictures – “proof” if you will that I was actually in Vancouver, and here is one of those pictures.

If you travel through the park, you will come across the bench and shelter, placed there in memory of Aaron Webster, who was killed in the park in 2001 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aaron_Webster), and a little away from this, off the main paths, you will come across  this amazing carving in the trunk of an ancient tree. It’s not on the path, and isn’t very clearly visible from the path, so you may have to explore a little.

The final evening in Vancouver was a quiet evening, and Chris and I watched movies and talked, before heading to bed.

Day 18 (Thursday)

For some unknown reason, I woke up at 2:30 am, and was completely unable to get back to sleep. Perhaps it was nervousness of oversleeping and missing the bus back to Calgary, but either way – i was wide awake, and so got out of bed and caught up on emails etc before Chris got up to take me to the Greyhound yet again for the long, arduous journey back to Calgary.

In the 2 short days I had been there, I had completely forgotten to take any pics of Chris and I, so managed to snap this one outside the station, and one of Chris’ car, which, despite looking tiny from the outside was pretty spacious on the inside. Although I will say you REALLY feel every gust of wind in it!!

It was great to see Chris again and spend time with him. 6 years is a long time, and we had a great time catching up.

The trip back was relatively uneventful, and the mountains were still awesome, although I didn’t take any pictures of them on the route back. I did manage to snag the back seats of the bus – which was actually the best idea I had had on the bus – three seats was just long enough for me to actually lie down. A little cramped still – but it really managed to help me as I could at least give my butt a rest and stretch my back. I slept really well on the last few stretches heading back to Calgary.

After another 14 hours, arriving in Calgary and being greeted by two excitedly wagging pups was awesome. I had missed them, and that was even more apparent when I got back.  Considering how much I slept on the bus, I was very tired when I got home and it wasn’t long before I was in bed cuddling Roscoe.

Day 19 (Friday)

Got Roscoe’s lunch made and got him out the door to work. The day flew by, and when he got home, the three of us piled into the car and headed out to pick up some bootblacking supplies for Berith as well as some grocery shopping and then came home and had dinner before heading to the Eagle for the evening. It was a nice night for us there, and a lot of fun and great conversation. I truly feel I am making some friends here – some of whom will probably turn into friends for life.

Day 20 (Saturday)

What a nice start to the weekend. Although tired, I made waffles for us for breakfast, and afterwards it was puppy time. A little training for both pups, and a little sex, although Berith is not being allowed to get off at the moment ;) which I am enjoying – and he is struggling with, humping about anything in sight. 

The best part of the afternoon was puppy baths. First Berith, who is actually well behaved in the tub, although he gets cold and shivers easily, he was good and stoic most of the time in the tub, and while being dried and groomed.

Roscoe is a different story. The pup splashes and shakes and tries to climb out and bite at the water. And I swear they both would lie on their backs so i could wash their bellies all day. Im glad I was naked, because otherwise I would have had soaking wet clothes. I think there was more water on the floor than in the tub by the time I had finished with Roscoe.

Once we had recovered, we piled into the car and went across the city to visit some friends of Beriths, Paul and Lee and the pups got into a little trouble shooting each other with nerf darts before the host and I stepped in and took away their ammunition.

A drive home and a quick shower for me (to get rid of the wet dog smell of course) and it wa time to gear up and go to a Bodega and Bondage event hosted by the 2012 Western Canada Leather Sir/boy (Marc and his boy Daniel) a few blocks away from Roscoe’s home.

Sometimes, I feel very intimidated walking into a room full of leathermen. This was very briefly the case when we arrived, but that feeling quickly dissipated. There were a few familiar faces, the Hosts included, and quite a few new ones too. I was exceptionally greatful to see someone head to the tiny balcony for a smoke, and quickly made my way out there. 

This was a good move. I secured a spot out on the balcony, and had an awesome time chatting and conversing with a number of people. One I have known on Recon for quite some time, and he and I spent the greater part of the evening on the balcony, chatting and smoking and watching the demonstrations through the glass doors. I also met Scott, a domineering and imposing figure who, it turns out, was born in Australia, and he and I immediately hit it off – and not just because we both have shaved heads and facial hair. He’s a hoot – and is friendly, and well lets just say that he and I will definitely be in contact again!

A few other very nice people I got the opportunity to chat with during the course of the evening, and, it was actually really a wonderful time. I think the concept of the party was awesome, all finger foods, and wine, and just a very laid back evening where demos happened as they happened, without a timeline or schedule to keep.

The pups even got to have a puppy play session with the other pups there, and Roscoe definitely maintained his Alpha status, albeit by use of sheer weight. He was sweaty and panting by the end of the evening, but I could tell he was a very happy pup indeed. All in all, a great evening was had by all, and I thoroughly enjoyed meeting some amazing new people and look forward even more to making more friends in the coming weeks.

Day 21 (Sunday)

Sunday Morning I woke up super early, my back was very sore, and its really starting to bug me now. I got up at 4 am because I simply could not get comfortable. This gave me the opportunity to clean up the kitchen and start preparing for brunch with my friend Scott (some of you may recall him moving out here a few months ago). It was fun to watch his reactions to the puppies, as they barked and yipped and played during brunch. I don’t know that he has been exposed to such open puppy play before.

The brunch was excellent, and filling, and ended with Waffles A’la mode – a definite childhood favourite of mine! Scott had to go to work, and the pups and I piled into the car again and went to McKenzie Lake – via a friends house – where I got to blissfully sit in a hottub. It helped ease a little of the back pain I have been experiencing, although it didn’t go away. The lake was nice, but the wind was cold, and i was actually quite grateful to get back in the car and head home. 

I have now officially extended my stay, and changed my return ticket to the 10^th of July. This is going to provide me with more time to look for work here, and, if i find some, plan the move to Alberta! So hold thumbs guys!!

Roscoe and I spent a quiet evening watching a movie and sorting laundry before bed.

I truly do feel at home here now. The pups are awesome and the feeling of family is growing daily. We’re all starting to get more comfortable together and even though the apartment is small, it doesn’t feel crowded or awkward – even when the three of us are all cuddled together on the sofa – it feels like home.