Sunday 25 March 2012

Rainy days and Sundays

Those of you who know me, know what a bad year i had last year. You also know from reading my previous blog posts on my site that I went through some hugely emotional times, and was badly hurt by someone, repeatedly.

But now i find myself in a precarious position. Similar feelings I had for that person are presenting themselves and I find myself anxious, nervous and scared to allow myself to feel emotional attraction and connection to someone who lives at a distance. I'm scared to let my guard down and open up more, because my head is screaming at me telling me I'm just going to get hurt again.

When i bared my soul last year, I found myself so totally exposed that when i was unceremoniously dumped, I experienced some extreme symptoms, including physical pain. And i kinda had vowed off ever allowing myself to open up to someone else again.

And now I find myself in the position where my heart is opening up to a possibility and my head and heart are in the battle of wills. My heart tells me how it feels, and my head, while fixated on this person, is also telling me to proceed with dire caution. My brain tells me all the things that could possibly go wrong. It warns me of my hurt and pain from last year, tells me how foolish I was to open up and trust someone entirely with my heart, someone who didn't actually care about it at all from the onset.

And the object of my hearts desire right now keeping checking off the items on my 'What I want' list like a shopping excursion to the ultimate department store. Hes funny, and kind, and dedicated and once again the inkling that my dreams of having a leather family are starting to be rekindled. The dreams that only come when you have feelings for someone and you can see yourself building a life with them. Different dreams from the last time this happened - but equally strong and therein lies the rub. That is what I am most afraid of. That my dreams I build up now, and in the coming weeks and months as i get to know this person and he gets to know me, will ultimately be dashed again. Because I don't know that i could mentally or emotionally handle going through that again.

And yet he makes me happy - even from a distance. I guess the difference this time is that my focus is not entirely  on this person - and by that I mean - the goal is different. This time, I see him as being a part of a bigger whole - a family - and perhaps that may be the salvation of my soul and heart which took such a beating last year. This time he is a part of something bigger I can see myself building - it doesn't diminish how much I care for or about him. But it does in some ways protect my heart - or does it? Maybe he is the first piece of the rest of my life? Maybe he is ideal? Maybe he will help me achieve my goals and forget the pain of the past? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten out of bed to early this morning.

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