Sunday 1 April 2012

Not the best of days.

OK – So I admit it. I get traumatized by nightmares. It doesn’t happen often, although recently they have been more frequent.

This morning I woke up in the middle of one, sweating, tears running down my face and in absolute agony, brief flashes of the dream still foremost in my mind, and my heart racing. Everything was so real and tactile – and – physically painful.

Thank god a good friend was around at 7ish this morning – and managed to calm me down and talk me through it – but – I remain totally unsettled by this vision. The images are still flashing in front of my eyes, and even as I write this, I feel my heart-rate increasing.

You have to understand – I usually do not remember my dreams, nor do I actually usually remember dreaming at all. So when I have dreams such as this they completely unsettle me. My whole day has been off kilter, being overshadowed by the ghosts in my head. Sometimes I hate how my mind works. I can be cruel and inhumane, and this mornings’ dream was a prime example of that cruelty.

I’m not going to go into details – as It is I’m trying to push them from my mind – but they unsettle me greatly. I wonder if they are my own fears? Or perhaps the product of some supernatural fore-warning? Maybe it’s just a product of my sub conscious looking too far into things that aren’t there? No matter which it is or turns out to be – its disturbing, and I am left wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with  me – or if parts of me are damaged beyond repair. So today, I’m not ok.
Inside my head is a mess, but my smile doesn’t show that.

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