So it's been a week since my sexual escapade with Gavin. And mentally and emotionally it has been one heck of a week. I'm going to try and word this all out for you as best I can, so be patient with me.
For context, I highly recommend you read at very least the last 2 blog posts, if you haven't already, before continuing with this one.
Now if you're up to speed, let's continue.
First, I will mention that my partner has been unwell this entire week. I won't go into details, but he has been unable to be up and about, and either in bed, in the shower or in bathroom all week. This is something we've gone through before, so it's nothing for y'all to panic about, but it is still serious and stressful, and I'm pleased to report that as I write this, he is much recovered, except for some residual symptoms.
His illness, however, has meant that I have been left somewhat alone and unsupervised. This is never a good thing.
When one is alone without interaction for an extended period of time, your biggest enemy is your own brain. Especially as an overthinker. And that's where the wheels fell off a little this week.
Sunday's fun was a headspace vibe, as well as a physical one. As mentioned in other posts, submission in the form of protocol and such doesn't come easy to me, and yet this experience felt really good.
And once back home and left alone to think, ones mind plays tricks. Was I good enough? Did he (Gavin) really enjoy it? Was I submissive enough? Was I too shy? Why did I say XYZ? Why didn't I say ABC? Will we play again? Is he going to ghost me? Should I text? Should I not text?
I waited a few hours and then texted to say thank you. But what I really wanted was just to go back to that feeling of euphoria. And, while my throat and ass were tender, even they desired more. We chatted briefly on and off during the course of the evening, and I did find myself remaining easily in a submissive headspace with him.
Monday found me truly in my head. I found myself emotional, with tears close to the surface at times. I still felt submissive. But I was also feeling somewhat unworthy of the attention, and, frankly, a bit lost. Physically, I was craving more, while my orifices were tender from their experience. Emotionally, I was craving that sense of security and comfort, and of someone else being in control.
Gavin listened to what I was trying to express and validated those feelings, as well as reassured my insecurities (with a small admonishment: "get out of your head, boy"). But he also enquired after my partners health and opened the discussion about that, as well as our previous discussion about men's mental health.
Inside my head a constant stream of random thoughts and desires has been shaken up and we're rattling around. Fantasies of what I dream of happening and experiencing, even if they aren't realistic or practical. Most of them in a sub situation, with the 'right' Dom.
I wanted to have more submission. Gavin seemed the focus, as I believe there is a connection there and certainly now, trust. And so I want him to push the envelope. Go to the boundaries. Explore with me and push me. Take my fetish interest, add his and 'go wild'.
And the voices of insecurity and reason saying "don't be daft! That's dangerous! Don't do it. Don't give in to those desires, you'll get hurt". And the worst, "no-one is going to want to do that with you"
The rollercoaster is real. The voices often loud, sometimes just whispers of doubt or insecurity. They whittle away at the resolve or the good, and can be devastating.
I think that's why submission is easy often. Because when the right Dom is there, with the right words and attitude and encouragement, those 'bad' voices are silenced. A good dominant makes you feel that you are enough, you are worthy, and you belong.
Now I know there people reading this whose image of me in their minds are probably destroyed and sitting in tatters. I'm not going to apologize. But if it helps, I will say this, with great openness:
I am a Dominant. And a Submissive. I am Top and Bottom. I am a Daddy, Sir, Dad, brother, partner, boy and pig. And I have always been and will always be all or some of those things. And exiting each of those helps the other parts to grow and develop and flourish too.
I am a good Dom because I strive to be a good submissive, and I understand the headspace. And there are many more roles I intend to explore, even as I get older. Because they draw me in. And the relationships and people who allow me to experience those roles and indulge me in my journey are all important.
In the past, I've run into some terrible doms. I've had some horrible experiences which left me emotionally (and in a few instances physically) scarred. But I learned from them. And I know not to do those things to a sub because I *know* how it feels. I have also had the absolute privilege to sub for some amazing doms, and some for some amazing subs. And they've taught me to enjoy the journey, and get the greatest pleasure from their experiences with me.
I hope that I continue to be allowed to have new experiences with people. As previously discussed, trust for me is hard. And as something of a demisexual, I find it even harder to find those to whom I can submit to experience those things. But that doesn't mean I don't desire them and wish to experience them.
What is important to ensure my own peace of mind, is that I communicate openly with those with whom I would engage in sexual activity. That applies to everyone in every role. And being direct is not easy, but I have also learned that I do not to hints. I absolutely am dumb as a plank if someone is flirting with me. Completely clueless. Just come out and say it, already. Because I don't pick up on signals or slight nuanced hints. And so come as you are, but come with honesty, integrity, respect and most of all, clear, open communication.
Right, this post has rambled on a lot, rather like my brain has been all week. So I will leave this post here. But please engage. Please comment. Please ASK. Because in asking, you are doing so not just for you, but for others who may not be able to do so, and the answers could be something they need to hear too.
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