Male Loneliness et al...

There's a trend I've noticed that bothers me. I have personally been affected by this, and I try really hard to never add to the problem. But time and time again, in doing so, I appear to be a minority. Let me explain.

We live in a world where we talk of the 'male loneliness epidemic'. A world wide phenomenon where men feel disenfranchised and disconnected from other people. And I get that. It's become so prevalent in men aged 25 to 54, and suicide rates in that demographic is higher than it's ever been.

Now I'm no expert, all I can offer is my observations and experience of this. 

While I dislike the term, I am a (very minor) "public figure" so to speak. People in the fetish world know who I am to an extent, less so in recent years, but in some circles still true. 

Frequently, people will DM me on whatever platform, and start a conversation. Sometimes the conversation starts well and progresses to where I invite further chat on the platform I prefer, and we go from there. Sometimes the conversation just doesn't progress that far, but I'll come back to that later in this post.

What strikes me about the conversations time and time again, is how many times people say 'I can't believe you responded to me' or 'Wow, you replied!'. Now, not to brag, but I genuinely try to respond to every DM or message I get in some way. 

I was raised where one is polite and friendly until one has cause not to be. And it is very rare that I will not be friendly and kind, and responsive. But these men who give me those sorts of reactions are not wrong. 

We live in a fast paced world where the benchmark is changing constantly and most people won't take the time to be kind or to engage with others in a meaningful way. We want instant gratification and often people don't meet us where we are at.  

Now I will also note that that notion can be expanded to many of the conversations I have with people. There is an expectation that everyone feels the same way you do right now. I'll give you some examples.

I have an online friend, let's call him Joe, who I have known for many many years. Joe disappears for weeks, sometimes months at a time with no word. But when he comes back, the pleantries are brief, and almost always turn to him requiring that I provide direction for a solo play session he wants to do. It's like clockwork. And when he messages, I brace myself for the inevitable.

Now don't misunderstand me, the fetishes are definitely within my realm of interest. But just because Joe is horny for that scene right now, doesn't mean that I am. Real life circumstances and mental health mean that I am not in the right frame of mind to engage at that particular moment. I can't turn it on and off at the drop of a hat. 

This makes it difficult, and bordering on tedious to engage in. And over time, these sporadic messages end up creating a certain amount of dread of the conversation when a notification comes in, because I know that inevitably, it will turn to 'play'. 

I don't dislike Joe, and we've been friends for a long time as I said, and we certainly have a lot in common. But he is an example of an inherent problem, which, in my humble opinion, is one of the root causes of the male loneliness epidemic.

I'll circle back to the other set of people I mentioned before. The ones who don't make it to direct conversation with me in the long term. And I'll provide an example here too.

Let's say this guy's name was Randy. Randy messages and fawns over an image I posted. I say thank you. Randy then says 'i like teapots' (I mean obvious NOT teapots, but pretend, ok?). Personally, I don't like teapots', so I say, "teapots really don't do anything for me". Randy then send me 20 pictures of him with teapots. 

I try steer the conversation back to something that interests me, to find common ground. But all Randy does is come back to teapots. Turns out Randy's only fetish is teapots. So I say, yeah, sorry, but that's not really something I can get into.

The conversation stalls. And then there's just no more. Randy's absolute focus on just one subject means he is unable to continue a conversation about anything else whatsoever. And he is not alone. Bob is similar, but Bob lacks even the most basic of actual conversation skills. And when the conversation becomes stilted and awkward, instead of taking time to rectify it, Bob proceeds to message every single day with "Hey, what's up?". And he does this for 92 days in a row with no response from me, as he has shown that he cannot hold a conversation beyond that. 92 days before I blocked him for my own mental health.

Now let's look at these examples and try figure out why they are all related. 

The first thing I would proffer is selfishness. The inherent inability to be aware of the mental or emotional status of the person with whom you are engaging. Being so hell-bent on either getting off, or simply your own agenda, with no consideration for the other party. 

Secondly, the inability to hold a conversation outside of a handful of standard phrases and responses, repeated parrot-fashion. This is caused by a lack of reading, and face-to-face social interactions. Our reliance on social media and apps, as well as our shortened attention spans is a huge factor. We've forgotten how to actively and genuinely engage in conversations.

A lot of these factors are external too. There's a habit, especially in certain groups in gay culture of overall 'mean-ness". Putting others down for humor or popularity or their own self-worth boost. The out of context bitchy or derogatory comments which may seem funny, but ultimately have an impact on the victim long after the interaction has ended. 

We replay the words and situation a thousand times over, and as we do, it teaches us to hide a bit more of ourselves. 

As queer folk, we've done this all our lives with (as a good friend calls them) 'muggles' to hide that we are queer. But that has also affected how we react around other queer folk. We feel judged and we build up defenses. And in doing so, we lose more of ourselves and we interact less. We withdraw.

I saddens me that there are people who are surprised by me interacting with them in a kind way. It should be the norm. It should be commonplace. It is how we all should be.

The reality is that the world can be cruel and it can force us to mask ourselves and hide ourselves away. It means we don't form strong friendship bonds, especially as we age. It becomes harder because we learn to protect ourselves.

What we need to combat the male loneliness epidemic is simply....

Kindness.